It's a difficult thing to come to grips with ones own mortality all at once rather than doing it gradually over ones lifetime. Most young people typically have a built in sense of invincibility and immortality as it is but for those of us who grew up as JW's, this was doubly so because according to our indoctrination, it was an absolute given that we'd never grow old and die.
For a good number of my adult years starting at around 40, I was the in grip of seemingly random and unexplainable panic and anxiety attacks. I had a great wife and kids, a good job, nice home and no debt but something was very wrong. This problem went on for years despite medications, therapy and counseling and it didn't stop happening until about a week or two after I stopped going to meetings.
Looking back I realize that my subconscious knew that my hope of never growing old and living forever, was a false one. Attending meetings and the constant inculcation of those hopes using reason and logic that no longer made sense to me, caused a terrible internal conflict. Outwardly I was acting as if my hopes were still real to me but inwardly I knew it was a hoax. My ongoing problem with panic and anxiety didn't cease until I admitted this to myself.
Now and then, in the wee hours of the morning those old anxious feeling creep in but I've learned to nip them in the bud by reminding myself of and repeating to myself, the following.
- The idea or notion of living forever was one that was planted in my mind by others.
- Wanting to live forever might be a matter of short sighted human greed (more isn't necessarily better)
- Everyone who has ever lived has eventually died, it would be narcissistic of me to think that my life is so special, that it should go on for all eternity.
- Living for all eternity might be an absolute nightmare after the first 1000 years (or maybe even sooner)
- Everyone who is alive, no matter how young they are, is getting older.
- Everyone who is alive , no matter how young they are, can also be "not alive".
- I had my turn to be young and now it's someone elses turn.
- I am grateful to have made it this far.
- I will show the younger ones coming up behind me how old age is done.
- I will be as positive and as pleasant and as uncomplaining as I can possibly be.
- I will face old age and death with the same courage, style and dignity that I've shown in my life thus far.
- If there is a God and if he indeed has good things in store for mankind, there's no reason that I too won't be a part of it.
- I will not waste time and energy worrying about something that I have no control over rather I will focus on doing things today that will make my future as good as possible.
Anyway, doing this seems to do the trick for me. It keeps me focused on what I "want" , rather than what I "don't want". I usually end up falling asleep before I've even finished repeating the above Mantra.
